Thinker

It may or may not surprise those of you who know me in real life, and, I guess, those of you who know me via my blog, that I am a thinker.  Some may call me a deep thinker, but I suspect more would refer to me as an over thinker.

"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes, I just sits." - A.A. Milne (muttered by Winnie the Pooh)



This image © The Walt Disney Studios

I really can't turn my brain off.  Even when I am quiet, my mind is mulling over something or the other.  Looking back, I am pretty sure both of my parents were also thinkers.  I can remember my dad just sitting back and watching when the whole family would get together.  He didn't talk much (unless you got him to talk about God or politics).  But, he would just sort of sit there, looking over his brood, every now and then we would get a smirk, or the ever elusive and rare smile....with teeth.  If you could get my dad to actually laugh out loud, it would give you an ego boost for years to come.

My mom is more of a quiet planner. She doesn't like to make moves or do anything until she is done thinking it over.  Top to bottom.  Left to right.  Backwards and frontwards.  She doesn't like to make a move on anything until she has thought it through and is ready.  She talks more than my dad did and we can get her to laugh quite a bit.  But, she will also be content just sitting and thinking, like my dad was.

I seem to have gotten both of their thinking proclivities.  Depending on who you ask, that may or may not be a good thing.  I have totally found myself sitting back and looking at my brood (plus my little extras that I watch) with that secret little smile on face, that I can totally remember seeing on his face and wondering what was going on in his mind.  For me, it is a sense of peace and contentment.  A sense that really as long as I have these people surrounding me, all will be right in the world.  I wonder if he was thinking some of those same thoughts?  I also do not like to make any moves until I am done thinking it through.  (I don't even like to hang pictures in the house until I have thought through every possible place they could go and picked the best one.  I don't want unnecessary nail holes, you know.)

The problem with my thinking comes in when you marry me off to Rainman.  You have heard me say that he is one of the smartest people I know.  He is.  But, the man is not a big thinker.  He is impulsive. He is a risk taker and likes to jump in.  No thinking.  No measuring.  No pros and cons list.  Gulp.  He plans a trip and before that one has even gotten here, he is working on planning our next two.  He spews dates, plans and hotels at me.  My eyes glaze over.  My upper lip breaks out in sweat.  My ears totally tune him out.  I do tell him that I can't think about it yet.  But, he is so caught up in his excitement, that he can't contain himself.

I can't do it.  I can't think about that until I am done with the most immediate thing, whether it be a work assignment, or an event at church.  I have to finish that up.  Put it behind me.  Then I can move onto thinking about the next thing.  This is sometimes where I wonder if I do actually have a waffle portion of my brain and that it isn't all spaghetti.

I assume it is because my brain is such a thorough thinker that it is trying to save me by not having me have too much information and too many things to be processing at once.  I know Rainman finds it annoying that I can't get excited about the next five trips he has planned, or even the next one, if he talks about it at the wrong time, but the very thought of it truly overwhelms me.  Again, it is not that I don't enjoy traveling.  It is not that I am incapable of letting loose and having fun.  I do and I can.

I find myself now, just sitting and drinking my coffee and looking outside.  Just like I used to see my mom do.  I also find myself sitting outside reading.  I can feel the sun on my face, the breeze on my skin and be able to hear the world around me.  Just like I used to see my dad do.

Am I the best of both of them....or the worse of them?  I guess it depends on who you ask. Ha!

I do know that I am not changing.  Rainman still doesn't understand me.  I can't seem to figure out a way to tell him  that his incessant trip planning and planning and planning truly overwhelms my heart and soul.  But, I assume that his planning and planning is just who he is also and he won't be changing anytime soon either.

We need to figure out a way for us both to be able to do our thing and not get in the others way.  Wonder if that is possible?

My thinking has also been the thing that has stopped me from blogging more often.  I actually have lots of stuff I would like to share with you guys.  But, then, I start thinking.....will this or that hurt the kids feelings?  Will this embarrass them?  Will they misunderstand my motives?  Will people think I am weird?  Will trolls be mean to me?

So, I end up in a never ending thinking loop that I can't get out of.  I am mentally paralyzed and don't do anything.  My friend Kristy, though, actually sent me a message and said she had missed my writing and asked if I was going to start up again.

I know you will be shocked to know that I thought about it....and decided to try to jump in again. Even though there really is a piece of me that thinks,  "Why would anybody care to spend time reading about my life, my thoughts, or my opinions?"

Honestly, this was way easier when my kids were younger. (That is not a sentence you hear very often, is it?)  They were just my little people...not really their own just yet.  Does that make sense?

I absolutely have thoughts, feelings and opinions on teenagers and the world around us, but because they are older now, I hesitate to share our stories for the world to see.  So, I am stuck.  I am not a food blogger or a home improvement blogger.  I am not even a homeschool blogger anymore, even though I am still 100% behind homeschooling.

If you have stuck with me and continued reading this, I will end with saying, I am going to try not to overthink and blog a little bit more.  It truly is a fun way to document our lives and the funny things the kids have said or done.  Sometimes, I will go back and read some of my old posts and had totally forgotten some of the stories and cute things the kids did.  It is fun.  Makes me feel bad that I am not doing as good of a job for my younger three as I did for the older three.  (just like with their actual scrapbooks....those poor children!)

I am going to try to do better.  That is all.