Really a crazy thought to me. Sort of like I don't feel 50. I also don't feel like I am someone that has been married for over 20 years, like a real grown up.
Marriage is really something else, isn't it?
Fantastic at times.
Not so fantastic at times.
Annoying..... much of the time.
But, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I am currently in an annoyed state of mind with Rainman. Nothing major. Just lots of little things. I have learned, in my old age, that these things are cyclical and shall pass. So, I sort of silently go along with life.
Honestly, usually he doesn't even notice.
But, of course, he turned to me in bed a few nights ago and said, "Hey, what's wrong? You mad at me?"
To which, I internally rolled my eyes and said (inside of my head), "Seriously...right now, at 11:00 at night. Now is the time you actually pay attention and notice that I am perturbed at you?!?!?"
Outloud, I actually said something like, "Just sort of annoyed, in general." He then wanted to know if he had done something "new" to annoy me or if it was the same old, same old. Ha!
I admitted that it was nothing new. He pecked me on the cheek. Rolled over and went to sleep.
It totally makes me laugh today.
Because that is how marriage is.
You are annoyed.
You are angry.
You are teamed up with this person, so, buckle up, get over it, and move on.
My Facebook memories thing popped up with this post that I wrote 2 years ago for our anniversary.
Aren't I just the gushiest female you have ever met? Bwaaahaahaha!
Every word of it is true though.
I know this man loves me.
I hope he knows that I love him.
But, man oh man, that guy can rub me the wrong way sometimes. I do wonder if there are marriages out there that aren't like that. The ones that are married to their best friends. I don't know. Maybe I am being too pessimistic about a marriage partnership. But, I don't think so. I think we are human and I think we can all be jerks sometimes, even to our best friends, so, my version of a happy, successful marriage feels much more realistic.
Does that stop me from having the occasional fleeting thought .....you would think after 21 years, that man would know me a bit better.
Nope.
But, I will say this: We have a happy marriage. We have a healthy marriage. I do not want to be married to anyone else besides Rainman.
However.....
Do I always feel understood?
No.
I think this might be the biggest reason that I will admit that I am NOT married to my best friend. Rainman does not understand me. He certainly understands pieces of me and can sometimes predict how I will react to something. Sometimes. But, he doesn't really understand me, my thought processes, my feelings about many things, or what makes me tick. Is that part of being a mysterious woman? I don't know. He tries, sometimes and other times, I know he just throws his hands in the air and gives up on ever understanding the frustrating, inscrutable woman that I am!
Do I always feel cherished?
No.
But, I bet he doesn't always feel cherished either. I think this is the good and bad thing about being in a good marriage. You take each other for granted. You don't really worry about the other one getting so sick of you that they will leave. We are confident in each other and our marriage, so we don't always "try" super hard. We just let our hair down and don't worry about the consequences. But, as I am typing this, I am thinking....I wish he wouldn't let his hair down quite so much....which then led to me thinking....I suppose he is probably thinking the same thing about me.
Shoot.
I am going to have to work at this marriage thing too.
It is so much easier to see the areas where a relationship isn't super great. It is probably very easy to allow yourself to think that someone else would understand you better or love you more fully.
But, I think that is a big crock. It isn't realistic. Love really is a choice. I know, I know. Total cliche. But, for our marriage, and for most good marriages, it is true. It has to be. We choose to be together.
For good or bad. In sickness and in health. For skinny or for fat. For they "get me" or they don't. For hurt feelings or not. For P. U. to Old Spice. For we are rolling in dough to we are drowning in debt.
I know when push comes to shove, Rainman will have my back. I hope he knows I have his too.
There are times that I know he is doing things simply because he loves me and wants to make me happy. I do have a tendency to take those for granted and just accept them at face value and as my due.
Like, this house. Although Rainman and the rest of the kids are now also completely in love with this house, it was my desire for a home that worked better for our family, that started it all. They were content where we were and didn't think much about having anything else. But, Rainman, knew I wasn't happy there and he wanted me to be happy. (Again, not that a house can make or break your happiness... but, those of you that have seen me in both houses, totally understand what I am talking about.)
The little ways that Rainman loves me are things as simple as keeping my van full of gas, doing most of the grocery shopping or not being annoyed when I come up with a new gadget or eating plan (never cheap) that is going to finally help me lose all this weight. He doesn't outwardly roll his eyes or say anything about the cost. He just says, "okay" and figures out a way for it to fit into the budget. Meanwhile, the man continues to love me just the same as he would if I were a size 8 again.
The little ways that I love Rainman can probably be easily overlooked too. Cooking. Cleaning. Doing the laundry and folding his clothes the way he wants them and not the way I want them. The typical housewife type things. I don't do them because I love them and feel super fulfilled by them. I do them because I love him....and the kids....and I want this home to be a peaceful haven for them.
It is what you do when you love someone. Try to think about them as much as you think about yourself, and maybe, just maybe, a little bit more than you think about yourself.
I am trying. I probably fail more times that I succeed. But, I am trying. Rainman and I have tried for the last 21 years and will do it for the next 21 years.
Choose to love each other....warts and all.
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