I Am Supposed To Be....

I am supposed to be looking at the year 2013 in all of shiny glory and be planning to take the bull by the horns and make it a fabulous year.

I am supposed to have a few goals to make myself a better me this year.

I am supposed to find a word for the year.  A word just for me that I will focus on....and, make me a better me this year.

I am supposed to be decluttering and organizing everything in site to make this home that always feels cramped and messy....a light, airy, breezy place that I am happy to call home.

I am supposed to be writing new lesson plans and getting things ready for school to start up again next week.

I am supposed to take D-man shopping for the last few items on his school supply list.  (He is starting at a college prep high school next week.)

But, instead, I have spent almost the whole Christmas break in my pajamas or sweat pants.  Literally, almost the whole entire time.  A-girl and I had a good laugh one day after she took a look at my "To Do" list for the day and it said....."Get out of pajamas!"  We realized that she and I hadn't changed our "clothes" (comfy, coft jammies) in three days.....

After our laugh, we decided we really were sort of pathetic....and changed..... into fresh sweat pants!

I am not feeling inspired in this new year.

I am feeling kind of down.

I am feeling kind of "why bother" with decluttering/cleaning/organizing...it will all be ruined within a week or so anyway.

I am feeling spectacularly unmotivated.

I am a list maker.....normally.

I haven't even been able to put together a good list in weeks.

I cannot pinpoint exactly why.

There are little things.

Lots of little things.

That, somehow, are feeling like lots of big, heavy things weighing me down.

I spent the last part of 2012 in a flurry of activity.  No, not with Christmas. That was pretty relaxing, actually.

But, a flurry of paperwork and calculators.  Trying to find money for D-man to be able to attend the school he starts next week.  Trying to figure out where we could cut our already pretty tight budget.  Deciding what things are truly luxuries and what are needs...in this day and age....those things seem more complicated.

Paperwork to cancel things.  Paperwork to refinance the house.  New paperwork to change providers.  Forms to change packages.  Phonecalls to follow up on all of those things.

I was really proud of myself and had a God moment the night I finally sat down and added up the $10 I had saved here with the $5 I had saved there, with the larger $60 I had saved over there.....and the amount came to the exact amount that we needed for monthly tuition.

A total God thing.

Really.

So, what is my problem?

Why can't I get motivated.... about anything?

Again....there is no big, horrible thing looming (that I know of).....just lots of little things.

I keep having dreams about my Dad.  He is still alive in all of them.  The kind where then you wake up and realize.....oh....that was just a dream.  My mom is still alone.

I keep having dreams about being pregnant.  (Which, in case you are wondering.....are happy dreams.)  Then, I wake up and realize that I got my period overnight.

I keep having dreams about house shopping.  The houses are all out in the country, they are big, sprawling homes.  Not fancy.  Just big....with closets and rooms we can fit into.  Then I wake up....to my nice house...that doesn't have many closets and is in a busy subdivision....with a living room that we barely fit into.

Any dream analyzers out there want to take stabs at those recurring dreams?  At least I have stopped (for now) having the dreams where all of my teeth fall out.  Those are good ones when you wake up and realize that it didn't really happen.

Sometimes I get tired of having to be a grown up.

Am I alone in that?

Sometimes I want to just ignore that pile of dishes, or the crud that is growing on the floor, or the endless crayons and junk that peaks out from under my couch.

But, I can't.  I shouldn't.  It is my job.  It is my life.

Sometimes, I wish we could just start fresh.  I suppose that is really what a new year is all about.  Apparently, I am not the only one who wishes those things.

I would like to cut our losses and start over.  Get rid of our timeshare that feels like a huge weight around our necks (even though we love it when we use it).  Get rid of this house and somehow be able to take our time saving money and finding a house that would be perfect for our family of 8.

But, life is what it is.

Those things are probably not going to happen, are they?

Eventually, I need to put on my big girl panties and, some "real" clothes and make a list.  A real, honest to goodness, "To Do" list again.  I need to accept our circumstances as they are (and, really, some of them are awesome)....and just keep moving forward.

So, I have no specific, big picture goals to share with you. 

No.....I am going to lose 50 pounds this year.

No....I am going to read my Bible everyday.

No....I am going to be a better wife to Rainman.

No....I am going to be a better mother.

No...I am going to finish painting the dining room.

Those things would all be awesome.  But, I am not going to say that they are my big goals for the year 2013.

Nope.

My goal for this year is to just keep going.  Even if they are baby steps.  I am going to just keep moving forward.

My word for the year....which apparently is a big deal now....because I keep seeing articles and reading these inspiring posts from people on selecting their "word".....my word for the year is "Hope".

Hope.

I came up with that one after watching another cheesy Christmas movie with the kids the other night.  It was one of those horrible ones...people were dying.  Sometimes, I don't mind if a character dies before the movie and the movie is about them finding loving again.  But, I hate it when people die after I have gotten to know them.  I hate it.  So, within the first half hour...people were dying...I was crying....and yelling at the T.V.....in front of everyone.  All the kids...and Rainman.....who walked through the room after my first, "Noooooo.....you can't get hit by a car!"....and said...."You should just turn it off now, Babe."

I said, "No.  There has got to be some hope here.  They have got to turn it around somehow....right?"

They did turn it around.  But, it was painful.  I cried more.  Watched more flashbacks than I think is healthy about parents being told a teenage son had died on his way home to spend Christmas with his family.

So, my word for the year is Hope.

You gotta have Hope, right?







Thank you for sitting in on my therapy session today....I won't even charge you for the privilege!